episode 8 - Reconnaissance

He was the first thing I saw when I set foot into BlubbersVale. Blue top, green vest. He looked like Earth from outer space, with a circumference to match. He sat behind his security desk, heavily armed with a bag of chips in his left hand and, in the tradition of all people bigger than a car, a Diet Coke in his right. He seemed focussed on something, and didn't notice me come in. The echo from my footsteps seemed thunderous in the grand high-ceilinged lobby I was now walking through, but I imagined layers upon layers of blubber (this place wasn't called BlubbersVale for nothing) blocking the cavities in which sound would normally travel. Ten meters from his desk, Earth moved.

He put down the delivery menu from one of the pizza joints in the area. Apparently that was what previously held his attention. No words came from his mouth. Just a blank stare. Somehow his stare told me to stop walking.

"uhmmmm... I have a package for Ms. Lukinor Twubber?" I said nervously. Yet again, for the second time in 24 hours, I feared I would be eaten alive. What was it with the Twubbers and cannibalistic security?

Earth lifted a finger and pointed at a little desk in the corner. Nothing spoken.

"Uhmmm... I'm sorry but I was told to deliver this to Ms. Twubber personally."

His finger didn't waver. His eyes didn't blink. Just that blank stare.

I gathered up my courage. He wasnt going to be too happy with what I was going to say next. "Look pal, I don't trust you. And I have a job to do. I was told to deliver this personally, and not you or the rest of the security this place has is gonna stand in my way. You get me?"

The finger didn't move. The eyes didn't blink. But I could feel the fury radiating from his eyes. And the hunger. Earth was going to eat me I swear.

I contemplated making a break for it. Tubby over here was probably slower than a snail dragging a 50 ton load. If I ran for the stairs, I'ld lose him. Then I could run up to the 5th floor and take the lift to the 42nd storey. What did I have to worry about?

"The 5th floor is out of bounds."

What?!?!? This guy could read minds?!? What else could he do other than be fat and read minds?

I shouldn't have asked myself that question. I didnt even see him put down the diet coke and reach behind his tremendous girth. But when I looked at him again, Earth had already drawn his gun.

"I can shoot troublemakers like you. And at this range, I DO NOT miss."

I doubted he would really shoot me. I didnt think he'ld want to disflavour his dinner with the bitter taste of gunpowder. I weighed my options. I could leave, or I could stay. Leaving would mean I walk out the door. Staying would mean 6 men would be carrying me to my grave tomorrow in a wooden box. I decided on the former.

"ok, ok, I'm going." God, Security people could be such a pain. I left Blubbersvale and headed back to my car.

What had I learned from today's recon? Nothing other than what I already should have guessed. There was no chance I was going to get to Lukinor's apartment through the front door. I needed another way in. I picked up my mobile phone. I had a plan.

"Mr. Twubber, I'm going to need a favour."

episode 7 - Looking for Answers

I sat down behind the termite-infested, semi-destroyed table I call my office desk. This would definitely have to go, and now I had the finances to make it happen. Ah, the things money could do...

Back to business. Here I recalled Dad's Great Mantra in solving problems.

Step 1: Define the Issue.
Step 2: Define the Obstacles.
Step 3: Overcome each of the obstacles.
Step 4: If you cant overcome anything, you did Step 2 wrong, or you're screwed.

Thanks for stating the obvious Dad. But being the filial son that I was, I put it to practise.

Step 1 - The Issue
-I needed to tag Lukinor Twubber.
-I needed to bug her apartment.
-I needed to follow her where ever she went.

Step 2 - Obstacles
- 42 floors of concrete.
- One big bodyguard.
- 2 big bouncers guarding the entrace to her "invitation only" club.
- A few even bigger personal trainers that would whoop my ass at the gym.

Step 3 - The solution
-...
-...
-...
-...

That was all I got after 3 hours of deliberating. ZERO solutions. Fantastic. What was I supposed to do now? I decided to move on to step 4. I needed to redefine the obstacles. I wouldnt want to be screwed this early in the game.

I decided to start with 42 floors of concrete, that being the place where I would be able to learn the most, and maybe even get a shot of Lukinor in the shower. Mmmm... Nice...

I walked over to the chest of drawers where I kept the rest of my family heirloom; clothes handed down from my grandfather which I modified into disguises. I rummaged through the pile of clothes and emerged with the brown shirt and pants that matched the uniform of a delivery boy, complete with the company's logo sewn above the left breast pocket. The uniform looked so ORIGINAL I had to stop and admire my work. Maybe I should have gone into tailoring instead...

I prepared the props I would need; a clipboard, a delivery notice to Ms Lukinor Twubber, and a big empty cardboard box filled with a bit of weight. I ironed my outfit myself since Clarrisa wasnt here to do it for me, then I put it onand checked myself in the mirror. I looked EXACTLY like an Employee of UPS. Perfect.

In the words of my sergeant back when I was in the Special Forces,

"Troops, let's go for a recon."

Episode 6 - Getting to work

We talked for another hour or so, with Justin doing most of the talking and me asking the questions. I needed more background information on the "mark". Damn, I've always wanted to use that word. Albeit using it wrongly but what the hell, it sounded cool.

From that conversation with Justin, I learned several things about Lukinor.

Number 1: Her address: It was the penthouse apartment of BlubbersVale, one of the most lucrative apartment buildings this side of the world. Her Apartment building had 42 stories. Damn.

Number 2: Her weekly routine: She came around to visit Justin twice a week, on Tuesday and Saturday evening. She went to her local gym 3 times a week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Membership to that gym cost 500 bucks a month. Damn.

Number 3: Her escorts: She had a bodyguard. Damn.

Number 4: Her hangout: She went to a club sometimes that was a short walk from her apartment. The club was invitation only. Damn.

Damn. Damn. Damn. Damn.

All in all, I learned it wasn't going to be easy tagging Lukinor. It might have been worthwhile, I mean getting to watch Lukinor was always worthwhile, and I was being paid well, but it wasnt going to be easy. I was just telling Justin that I would probably need to get all kinds of surveillance equipment, before he cut me off and commanded Clarissa to "bring the equipment".

Clarissa came in again, this time with a suitcase percched on her "shoulders". Justin took the suitcase and opened it.

"Bo, I'll be suplying you with your equipment." He took a little disc the size of a shirt button.

"you will be provided with the best equipment technology can buy. This here is a camera, place it on the wall aimed at the point under surveillance and you'll be watching whats going on, real time. It can rotate 360 degrees and you can also swich to the panoramic view if you need to. The camera relays to this watch and laptop," he pointed them out to me in the suitcase "so you can keep an eye on her anytime anywhere. In this case you'll find grapple hooks, protective clothing, glass cutters, lock picks and a plethora of other surveillance equipment."

While this was just another grain of sand to Mr Rich sitting oppossite me, I was shocked beyond words. All this equiment would cost at least ten thousand dollars, and he was just throwing it in my direction.

"I'll also be providing you with another $10, 000, in case you need any other equiment. If you don't need to spend the money, you can keep it."

I hid my glee at the fact that I had a spending power greater than anyone I knew. I considered telling him it wouldnt be enough although it was MUCH more than I could ever spend. I decided against it, c'mon, he was an old dying man.

"If you need anything else, transport, weapons, etc, just let me know. I'll provide you with everything you need for this operation. Anything else you'll need for now?"

I couldnt think of anything else. Justin had provided everything I would need for the rest of my life as a P.I. and maybe even the next one. I never thought I would fall in love with an old, wrinkled man, but here I was. Justin, I love you.

"That's fine Justin. I'll do what I can." I said.

He stood up and shook my hand, signalling that the meeting was over.

"Thank you Bo, this really means alot to me."

We parted ways at his door, the caddy came to get me, the valet brought my car, Mann-Eater returned my coins (I thought I saw bite marks on them), and I headed back.

It was time to get to work.

Episode 5 - Business

"Please, come in!" Justin said as he stuck out his hand.

I shook his hand and stepped into heaven. As unbelievable as it may sound, the house was bigger on the inside than it was on the outside.

"Mr. Twubber, probably everyone who steps into your house says this but you have a beautiful house."

"Why thank you. And please, no need for formalities here, call me Justin."

Yes, we were truly on a first name basis now. Now all I had to do was persuade him to sign me into his will.

"Shall we get down to business then? Bo, is it?"

"Yeah, Bo's fine."

Justin led me through the labyrinth to his study. I thought old Justin here would be wheezing as he tried to catch up with me. But, I found myself wheezing as I tried to catch up with him. I chided myself for procrastinating my exercise routine for the past 15 years. Not being able to catch up with an 83 year old could be quite a painful reminder of how unhealthy you are. Then what was the cane for?

I found out soon enough. I was wheezing and gasping fo breath when Justin announced our arrival at the study. The door to his study was almost the same size as Mann-Eater, and probably weighed the same too. And no door knob. Just a little jagged hole in the middle of the door where the knob should have been. Justin lifted his cane and jammed it into the hole, and the door magically began to open. All Justin needed was a tall pointed hat and anybody would have sworn he was a wizard and his cane was his staff. The titanic door slid to the side. This guy has more amazing things in his house than there are grains of sand in the Sahara. And yes, there is quite alot of sand in there.

Walking through that doorway was like walking through a portal to another dimension. I had never seen so many gadgets in my life.

"Please, have a seat my dear man," Justin said as he motioned to the sofa that was bigger than my bed. This guy had a fetish for size... I figured he must have been screwing Mann-Eater.

I plopped my butt down on the "sofa". It was so comfortable I almost asked him how much it cost. I didn't, because if he told me then I would have to live the rest of my life knowing I could never own a chair like this. Justin sat oppossite me. "Clarissa, bring the coffee please," he said into his cane. Apparently the cane was used for everything except as a walking stick. I wouldnt be surprised if he sat on the cane and it flew.

"so, Bo, to business. My daughter, that's Lukinor, has been... acting out of sorts lately. She comes over weekly, but she seems to be becoming more... reserved, more touchy, like she's hiding something from me. Sometimes it even feels like she's angry at me. And I dont even know what I did." His voice trailed off. He seemed to be deep in thought. Or crying. Or having a chat with his toe. Whatever he was doing, he was pretty nervous.

Just then a cube the size of a coffee table rolled into the study. On it stood a teapot and 2 cups of steaming hot coffee. Meet Clarissa, just another grain of sand in the Sahara.

Justin took a cup of Clarissa's special brew and offered it to me. I took the proffered cup.

"You want me to tag her and find out whats wrong Mr. Twubber, I mean Justin?" I nearly added "Is that all?" but checked myself. I didn't need him to know I thought it was a grossly overpriced job.

"no, no. not JUST tag her. I want you to report her every move to me, where she goes, who she meets. I think... I think she's on drugs." On saying this he really did cry. At least now I knew he wasn't having a chat with his toe.

His last word hung in the air between us for a minute or two. I respectfully kept my silence. Telling him he looked like a horse when he cried would not be the appropriate thing to say at a time like this.

"Bo, I want you to watch her. Day and night for the next week, and find out what my darling is upset about. And if she really is on drugs, I want the name of the bastard who's supplying her. I will provide you with the best surveillance equiment money can buy. I want you to tap her phones, her bedroom, her shower."

Watch Lukinor in the shower? Hallelujah. I reminded myself to go to church the next morning.

"I want to know everything about her Bo. Everything. I am a dying man, and it... it hurts to know that I dont have enough time left to understand who my daughter is anymore."

He was trying to suppress the horse in him but Justin looked even more frail now. He was still strong on the outside but he was a broken man inside. I could see it, he was dying.

And I had the honor of performing his dying wish.

Episode 4 - Meeting the Mann

I got into the caddy.

It was a LONG ride before I finally got to the door of his house. In that journey, i managed to think. Not about sex, or food, or booze. But of WORK. for the first time since I left the service I was thinking of work. Work and money. And sex. And booze. Justin Twubber was hiring me. Justin Twubber, the richest man I had ever heard of, was hiring me, the loser I meet in the mirror everyday.

A thought struck me. Justin had two sons and a daughter. One of his sons was a lawyer somewhere, the other was a doctor somewhere else, and his daughter... wasn't she a model? Her name was... Lukinor Twubber wasn't it? Lukinor Twubber the lingerie model/sex goddess/every pervert's fantasy? If I didnt remember wrongly, I was heading over to his place now because he wanted me to tag her, right? I was at a loss for words. This was the best job an aged deprived pervert could ever get. I was going to be paid, and paid very handsomely, to watch a model, not just any model, but THE model, THE Lukinor Twubber. There really is a God.

I snapped out of my reverie when the caddy pulled to a stop. Mr. Twubbers mansion loomed before me like a castle. To call the house humongous would be an insult. It was MASSIVE.

From some hidden speakers in the caddy, an automated voice said, "Thank you for your patience Mr. Mann, Enjoy your stay!."

I got out of the caddy, entranced, awed by the sheer size of the building before me. The house was majestic. I couldnt think of anything else to do other than to stand rooted to the floor and stare google-eyed at the house like a retard. I dreamt of a time when I would live here, with Lukinor as my wife and we'ld have lots and lots of...

The doors swung open. Dammit. Just as i was getting to the best part of my dream. I half expected to see Mann-Eater there ready to pounce on me and lick the meat off my chops. But the person that was inviting me in was much smaller, skinnier, almost frail in fact. Gray frizzled hair lined his brow. His skin sagged from his cheeks. His cane creaked under his weight. But his eyes, those bright blue brazen eyes. They carried the fire he always had.

I realized i was looking at the once tall, once proud frame of Justin Twubber.

Episode 3 - Fantasies

It was 5.35pm when I pulled up to the gate. Hah, told you I could make it.

The walls surrounding his mansion seemed to go on forever. His gate occupied more space than my entire house. I felt like I didnt belong here. Well, truth be told, I didn't.

A melodious voice filled the air. My testerone driven mind kicked in. I imagined pretty, innocent, blonde. In a tight miniskirt, with a tube top hugging a bust that was spilling over the sides. And her legs, those lovely legs that seemed to go on forever. I rolled down my window and turned to face my fantasy...

My fantasy evaporated.

I know I'm fifty, I know I'm single, I know that makes me a horny man facing a mid-life crisis, but my senses had never been so wrong. I realized why Justin wanted to go to Mars. He wanted to bring an alien back with him. She was HUGE. Imagine someone who's longer from left to right than she is from head to toe. That monster you're thinking of? That's who stood before me. Good thing I was wrong about the skirt and tube too.

"Good day to you sir. Mr. Mann I presume?"

I thought I heard her say "I eat Mann's for lunch!". I was scared. I nodded my acknowledgement, not daring to say a word.

"Could I see your identity card sir? and please place your right thumb on the touchscreen," Mann-eater said.

I dutifully passed her my card and touched the screen she produced from her pocket. I could almost hear the cow she swallowed for breakfast whining from within her gut. She put the card into a slot beside the screen. I assumed it was comparing thumbprints. The device let out a beep.

"Alright, please park your car just beyond the gate," Mann-eater said as she returned me my card and the enormous gates began to swing open.

I couldnt go any further than "just beyond the gate" anyway because a spike belt was placed 5 meters from there. I drove through and parked, and the gates closed behind me.

Mann-eater was beside me again. I could have sworn I saw the gates close with her on the outside.

"step out of the car please, leave all your metallic objects in this tray then pass through the metal detector, then wait for the caddy to come pick you up. A valet will park your car."

Apparently security was a serious issue to Justin. Why else would he hire an abomination like Mann-Eater? I said goodbye to the coins and other nonsense I kept in my pocket for I knew they'ld become a snack for this hideous beast. I couldn't bring myself to refer to this blob as a human. I tip toed throgh the metal detector. The Blob told me to wait at the gravel path I assumed would lead to Justin's house. It was so... gentle. Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel before she tried to eat Hansel.

A few seconds later, a golf caddy came by. There was no driver. Fully automated caddies? BioMatric devices to verify idenity? A magically appearing pet alien to guard the gate? What else did he have in there? This trip to the Twubber house was going to be interesting.

Episode 2 - The Call

"I need you to tag my daughter"

WHOO HOO!!! I WAS DEALING WITH A MORON!!! not just any moron, a rich and most importantly, a rich moron willing to share his fortune with me. He wanted me to tag his daughter for $5000? i was starting to really like this guy.

"How about you come over to my place and I'll tell you more face to face? I'm more comfortable with that," he continued.

Mr... i'ld meet you on the moon if you were paying me $5000.

"No problem. But, two questions before I come over; first, your name sir? and next, why choose AAA?"

"OH! Sorry, i forgot to introduce myself. I'm Justin Twubber."

Did he jus say Justin Twubber? I couldnt believe what he just said. The first man to walk on Mars? And for your info, he wasnt the first man on Mars because he was chosen to be, he was the first man there because he WANTED to be. he PAID the space agencies to send him up to Mars. Dammit. I should have asked him for more than $5k... I let him continue.

"And, i picked AAA because I didnt want those big companies that are only interested in my money and forget about the ethics of the job."

I assumed he meant I was different.

"Plus, AAA was listed as the first name in the telephone directory, so I picked you."

Ah... little did he know that this was part of my brilliant marketing strategy. I personally picked the name AAA for the exact reason he mentioned above. I silently praised my genius and business acumen.

"So, can i expect you here in... half an hours time?"

I didnt need to ask where 'here' was. Everyone knew where Justin (in my mind we were already on a first name basis and he was going to share the rest of his billions with me) lived, in that little palace at the other end of the city. I considered my options. I drove a dusty, rusty collapsible sedan. The time now was 5.13pm, i.e. peak hour. The streets would be jammed and almost impassable. Justin's chateau was located at the other end of the city. Could I make it? No.

"Alright, Mr Twubber. I'll be there."

Hell, he was practically going to give me $5000. If he lived on the edge of the milky way and asked me to meet him in 2 minutes, i'ld make it.

"Thank you. Mann is it? alright, i'll be seeing you soon." the line clicked.

I calmly put down the phone. I walked over to my open window. I leaned out, and then I screamed out, "I'M RICHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!" just to let the other losers in the neighbourhood know i had struck gold. After receiving a gratifying "SHUT UP F*CKER!" I grabbed my keys, sprinted down the stairs and began my flight across the city.

Episode 1 - the story of Bo Wring Mann

I am a private investigator, better known as a P.I. My being a P.I. makes me the 14th male member of the family that submerged himself into a world of crime... my great great grandad borrowed 10 million from the clerk at the bank of India (at knifepoint) in 1865, my great grandad borrowed my great great grandad's entire loot and fled here in 1866, my grandad bought the house with the inheritance he obtained from his father's unfortunate death in 1920, my dad persuaded by grandad to sell the house and invest the money in my dad's name, my brother is a lawyer (no elaboration necessary here), and now... i'm a P.I.

Everyone has that dream that P.I.s lead exciting lives. That every now and then some gorgeous blonde would burst through his office door, dragging on a fag with a hat pulled down over her eyes in that mysterious sultry manner, throwing herself at the P.I. and begging for his help. I still cling on to that dream, for there is nothing else. I have sat right here, in this 3 wheeled chair in my office with no door, for 2 months, and the most exciting thing that happened was trying to solve the dissappearance of my goldfish.

2 months into the job and my phone had rung 7 times. 6 of them, it was the phone company telling me my bills were overdue. The last time it was the wrong number. I was just starting to think i'd gotten into the wrong line when it happened. It rang.

"Is this the AAA Private Investigators?"

His voice was hoarse. Sounded like another reminder to pay my bills by another one of the telephone company guys who smoke too much.

"yeah, this Mann speaking."

"I... I need your help." he said.

I perked up at the hope of finally doing some business, for real.

"How much do you charge for a job, $5,000?"

I almost fell off my chair. The first job i had ever done and this guy was offering me my imaginary child's education. I picked up my pen and took a deep breath to hide my enthusiasm.

"That's what the last guy gave me." I thanked God for the persuasive skills i inherited from my dad. "what's the problem?"

and that's where it all began...